Passing Through the Boyne Valley

July 21, 2023

It was our second-to-last day in Ireland and we were doing one last day tour, this time up to County Meath to see Brú na Bóinne and the Hill of Tara.  Our tour was through Mary Gibbons, who was this delightfully small Irish lady who showed up like she was going on a safari.  Ultimately though, she didn't actually take us on the tour, leaving us instead with a guide whose name I can't remember, but whom I started calling Colm because his droning tone and propensity to go down tangents off of tangents was reminiscent of Uncle Colm in Derry Girls. Somehow he managed to fill up virtually every second of our hours on the bus with random stories and factoids, some of which were incredible, and some of which just lulled you to sleep.

Our first stop was Brú na Bóinne, which is one of the world's most important prehistoric sites. It contains three massive megalithic passage tombs and somewhere around 90 other monuments. The area has been a center for human settlements for at least 6,000 years and some of Neolithic mounds, chamber tombs, standing stones, henges, and other prehistoric enclosures date to as early as 3,500 BC, predating even Stonehenge and the Egyptian pyramids. The three most prominent of the passage graves at the site are Newgrange, Knowth, and Dowth. We were visiting the first two of these.

Our tour started at the visitor center, which was unbelievable. They spared no expense in developing this place and laying out an immersive experience to take you all the way back to the Neolithic period and understand the significance of the area. Then, we took a bus up to Knowth (Cnóbha). It is the largest of the mounds, at 40 feet high and 220 feet in diameter, and is surrounded by 17 smaller satellite tombs. It is dated to around 3,200 BC and contains two passages that run east-to-west and are thought to align with the equinoxes. The passages lead to separate burial chambers, with the eastern passage ends at a cruciform chamber and the western passage is just straight. Unfortunately, neither passage is open to the public, but you are able to climb on top of the mound. The mound lived many lives throughout history and, in the Iron Age, it became the seat of Northern Brega, with the king and his soldiers living on top of it. Apparently, they have excavated the foundations of 15 houses up there, which blows my mind because, while large, it isn't that big. No matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my brain around how people thousands of years ago moved stones that large from as far as 100 miles away without wheels! The stone carvings in the kerbstones lining the tomb are also just unbelievable.

From the top of Knowth, you can also see the Hill of Slane where St. Patrick is said to have lit the first paschal fire in Ireland. At the time, the High King of Ireland ceremonially lit a great fire on the Hill of Tara every spring equinox and it was forbidden to light any other fire until the great fire had been set. Legend says that, in 433, in defiance of the High King Laoire, St. Patrick lit the paschal fire on the Hill of Slane and that, though angry, Laoire was so impressed by St. Patrick's devotion that he allowed him to continue his missionary work. The view was great, but as cool as Knowth was, I was ready to see the inside of a passage tomb.

Newgrange (Sí an Bhrú) is probably the most famous of the passage tombs at Brú na Bóinne. At it's highest point, the tomb is 39 feet high and it's 279 feet across. It has one inner stone passageway that ends in a cruciform chamber with a corbelled vault roof. Amazingly, after nearly six thousand years, this stone chamber is still water-tight! The most incredible thing, however, is that the passageway has a "roofbox" that aligns perfectly with the winter solstice. The stone passageway was constructed with such care and precision that for up 17 minutes during the winter solstice, the light shines perfectly into the otherwise pitch-black chamber and lights it up with an intense golden glow. The fact that it is so well preserved is a miracle, largely attributable to the fact that locals have always associated it with fairies and gods. Most significantly, it is thought to be home to The Dagda, who is the king of the Tuatha Dé Danann. Because of the mythical associations, locals were generally scared to go too close to it.

The rock façade around the tomb is stunning, as is the stone carvings in all of the kerbstones, but the most incredible part is being able to go inside. Entry is highly regulated and they only let 12 people in at a time, which is why we opted for a guided tour of the area. Being inside the chamber was surreal, as was the extent to which it's preserved. Yet by far the coolest part was when the shut off the lights and simulated what it's like to be in there during the winter solstice. They do a lottery to pick the people who have an opportunity to be in the passage during the winter solstice every year and I'm really tempted to start trying.

After exploring Newgrange, we walked down to a nearby farm for lunch and spent a little time walking around to see the farm animals. It was kind of an odd experience because you could tell it was the same kind of farm experience we have in the United States that elementary schools frequent all the time - there were tons of school kids there while we were eating - and yet, to us, it felt uniquely foreign and different.

Our last stop on the day's tour was at the Hill of Tara (Cnoc na Teamhrach). Historically, the site is known as the seat of power for the High Kings of Ireland and it features prominently in Irish mythology. According to legend, five ancient roads met at Tara, linking it with all of the provinces in Ireland. The views from the hill were incredible, and it was easy to see why they chose it as a seat of power. Personally, I was a little underwhelmed by the site because all of the halls and palaces are gone, leaving only the carved out hills and land.

On the bus ride back to Dublin, Colm told us the legend of how the boundaries for Ireland's 32 counties were drawn. It's said that one night Boann, the goddess of the River Boyne, went up to Newgrange and slept with the Dagda, but left early in the morning before he was awake. When the Dagda woke up and found her gone, he was distraught and set off to search all of Ireland for her. He spent years searching the country over and was so weary that he crawled on his hands and knees, dragging his giant penis behind him in the dirt. And that's how the borders to the 32 counties were set out.

We got back to Dublin around 5:00 and spent a little time walking around the shops before heading back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. We had reservations at Glovers Alley in the Fitzwilliam Hotel. It's a chic, Michelin-starred restaurant named in honor of the city's glove makers, who once occupied the neighboring alley. The restaurant itself was stunning and the menu looked excellent, but the experience fell a little flat. The food was very good, but not great, and our waiter (French) spoke so fast and with such a thick accent that it was difficult to understand anything he said. Compared to Chapter One it also just felt a bit stuffy and pretentious. For me, the highlights, besides the unrivaled company, were my BBQ squab pigeon the modernist pseudo-deconstructed chocolate-forward take on tiramisù I ordered for dessert.

After dinner, we decided to change gears entirely and live the pub life. My co-worker Megan had recommended a place called Darkey Kelly's and said that they always have live music. The pub is named after Dorcas "Darkey" Kelly, who operated the Maiden Tower brothel on Copper Alley in the mid-1700s. In 1761, she was burned at the stake for witchcraft after killing a shoemaker on St. Patrick's Day in 1760. Allegedly, however, he was not the only person she killed. They also discovered five bodies under the floorboards of her brothel, suggesting that she may have been Ireland's first serial killer. The pub did not disappoint. The music was excellent and, despite being packed, we managed to snag a table in the back. Our waiter must have been fresh off the boat from Iberia because, while he could understand when you ordered a Guinness, if you ordered anything else, he'd have to run off, grab a menu, and have you point to what you want.

The funniest thing that happened at Darkey Kelly's was Tyler's and Kati's belated realization that Ireland does not have a "slut festival." For the last two days driving through western Ireland, we had been seeing signs for this festival and we were all joking about the slut festival. Tyler brought it up again over drinks and that's when Morgan said, "You know it's not a 'slut' festival, right?" They were both indignant and insistent, so I had to chime in and back Morgan up. I had chalked it up to a joke, but I think it must have been more subliminal dyslexia. There certainly were a lot of signs for a festival - the Sult Festival! "Sult" is an Irish word that roughly translates to "enjoyment" or "satisfaction," and the signs were in reference to a massive music festival from earlier in the month. I cannot begin to describe how hard we laughed over that one.